Hey! Have you ever thought to yourself “Man, I love music. I have almost 500 songs on my iPod. I can probably play one song following another song. I should be a DJ.” Or have you been DJing in your basement for years, thinking “I’m better than those DJs playing at the club. I need to play for larger audiences than just my mom’s cats.” Well, StuffDJsHate.com is here to help. We are in a time when any former Playboy bunny or reality TV “star” can get paid ridiculous sums of money to DJ. Here’s your quick and easy guide to getting your share…
STEP 1 – EQUIPMENT
You’re gonna need some expensive equipment to be a DJ.
No, not turntables. Don’t worry about those. You won’t have to use them.
If you already own a laptop, you are half way there.
Now you just need a DJ program (or App if you are using an iPad) and songs.
This is one of the few times you don’t want to steal all of your music.
I recommend joining one of the online record pools and downloading the top 50 or so most popular files on there.
Make sure you have plenty of the ones labeled “Transition”. This makes it easier to act like you are mixing.
STEP 2 – “FRIENDS”
Start a MySpace Music page, a Facebook page, and a Twitter account.
Beg as many people to “Like” you, “Follow” you, and basically “be” your “friend”.
It helps to find other upstart DJs and trade follows with them.
It is of no importance whether or not these people have ever met you.
You just want to be able to say that you have hundreds, if not thousands, of followers when promoters ask you. (see below)
STEP 3 – GIMMICK
It’s important to stand out, and skill and talent have very little to do with that.
First of all, try to be really attractive.
Better yet, try to be a really attractive female.
If that doesn’t work, find another way to get noticed.
White guys – grow a ‘fro or silly facial hair. Black guys – get a mohawk or dress like a New England prep schooler.
Try anything. Wear a mask. Dress like a clown (you could be DJ Bozo). The possibilities are endless.
STEP 4 – DEMO
You are going to need a demo mix to prove that you are an awesome DJ and not just a pretty face (or a sad clown).
Go online and download the mix of a highly paid (and possibly respected) DJ.
Study the mix intently. Make sure there are no “drops” or places where it is evident who made the mix.
Then burn the mix to a CD and say you made it.
Put your promo picture on it, make some copies, and start handing them out.
STEP 5 – PROMOTERS
You are going to work with a promoter in order to get booked at most high-end night clubs.
The promoters don’t really care about your talent, they just want to know what you can do for them.
So, offer to save them money by working for a third of what they are paying their current DJs.
Talk about how many people you bring out (this is when you brag about your ridiculous amount of “friends” from above)
Or offer them blow. Or offer to blow them. Or both.
Once you are in with a promoter, you’ll get some gigs, which brings us to the final step.
STEP 6 – GIG
Make sure you get a choice time slot from your promoter pal.
You want to play when the crowd is drunk and already dancing, so you won’t have to do much work.
Play the most popular tracks you have.
If it’s a bit earlier in the night, play the least popular first and work your way up.
If it’s later at night, play the most popular one first and work your way down the list.
Don’t worry if anyone plays before or after you. Fuck those guys.
Make sure you look like you are turning dials, listening to your headphones, or doing some fake scratches.
Every now and then, take a step back and fist pump.
Now, take advantage of those drink tickets and bask in your awesomeness. You earned it.